Carlee’s seizures are showing themselves tonight. She wakes up in tears. That wakes me up. There is nothing to be done. There is no help I can give. I can only stroke her head and rub her cheeks until they pass. I do have one thing on my side, on her side. The name of Jesus. When I’m so upset, so angry, that my baby girl has to suffer, I can’t even pray. But, I can use His name. It’s the only thing I cling to, in the middle of the night.
We talked about healing today. I talked about it with a fellow foster mother. The topic came up later in my evening Bible study class. God has the power to heal. Anyone. There’s a fine line between what He can do and His willingness to do it. It sounds harsh. If He can heal her, why doesn’t he? I don’t know. In the waiting, in the darkness, I can pray for her. I can beg on her behalf. I can hope for a miracle (look at what He’s already done). My friend said she told her daughter “Jesus will heal you. It just might not be on this Earth”. I agree. Jesus will heal my girl. She’ll one day run and laugh and talk until she’s blue in the face. I pray I see it. I pray it’s here on Earth. Here in this world. But, I know it might not be. I can’t explain why. If I could explain God, what kind of God would that be, if a measly human could understand all His way?
So in the mean time, I call on His name. When I can’t form a prayer. When my hands shake in fear and anger for my daughter. I call on His name. I still pray for her miracle. I will never stop praying for her miracle. But, I know He has a plan for her, and I can’t wait to see what it is.